Welcome And The Money Script

SPEAKER_02 0:10

Welcome to Speak Up International with Rita Burke and Elton Brown. Today we have Mr. Kenneth Alexander, and he is going to read an excerpt from his book, The Successful Man: A New Vision of Masculinity. Mr. Alexander, the virtual floor is yours.

SPEAKER_00 0:33

Oh, thank you, Elton. I'm gonna read an excerpt from chapter six: Chasing Money to Reach Success. We've all received the message. It starts young, long before we have the words to question it. Make money, achieve success, prove your worth. It's everywhere, woven subtly into dinner conversations, whispered from TV screens, painted on billboards, plastered across the internet, and echoed in the music we listen to. We absorb it silently, learning to equate wealth with worth, success with significance. And these aren't just ideas, they are commands. You feel them in your bones, be somebody, do something impressive, win the game. As boys, we quickly realize how the world measures us, not by kindness, creativity, or how deeply we care, but by performance, productivity, and possessions, even before we fully understand what money is. We understand its message clearly. Those who have it are important, powerful, and respected. Those who don't are overlooked, forgotten, and considered failures.

A Resilient Single Mum’s Influence

SPEAKER_03 1:59

The voice you have just heard is that of Mr. Kenneth G. Alexander, and he's an award-winning entrepreneur and author of The Successful Man as Alexander said in the child of the show. He's also a speaker who explores how boys are conditioned to disconnect from their emotions. Mr. Alexander has also served the United States Korean Corps. I could say a lot more about him, but as we say on Speak Up International, we prefer if our guests tell their own stories. It's more authentic, it's more organic. And so I welcome you today to Speak Up International, Mr. Kenneth G. Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 3:09

Thank you so much, Rita. That was a wonderful introduction.

SPEAKER_02 3:15

You and I have something in common. And that is having a resilient single mom. Yeah. And we know how strong those women can be.

SPEAKER_00 3:31

Right, right, we definitely do.

SPEAKER_02 3:33

Understanding of strength, love, and emotional expression. All of this coming from your mom. How did those attributes make you feel?

SPEAKER_00 3:48

Yeah, so my mom, man, she's my hero, really. Uh, my mom had seven children by the time she was 24 years old. And uh she uh I recall she divorced, and so six boys and one girl, and the girl's the baby. Um, so I recall my mom divorcing my stepfather in the fourth grade, and from then on, uh she reared seven of us. She worked at night uh to make sure she was home for us in the mornings, to get us off to school, uh, have dinner when we were ready. And uh she just did so much to um to take care of us uh when we were smaller. And uh I just watched how she um thoughtfully cared for us and uh and watched how she cared for so many other people. I recall just uh older folks in our family where we'd have holiday dinners and stuff, and she would always make sure she went and picked them up and bring them over. And so I I I just watched her show us love and not only us, but love to the other parts of her family and and her friends. And uh she's 86 years old now, and uh she's still doing it, she's volunteering, she uh feeds the homeless, she's uh and um she's the uh NAACP secretary, church secretary. I mean, doing all these things still now to serve people. So service and love and giving back, and you know, that's that's the kind of strength that my mom had. Well, of course she had her challenge, but you know, that's what I see. And she's got six mama's boys.

Awards And Building A Brand

SPEAKER_03 6:08

Elton said when he was asking you the question that you have a lot in common. And based on what you've just said about their mama, you certainly have a lot in common in common. And you saw this well that she's a boy's mama, I like her, and she's still going strong. But I want to go back as a matter of fact, I was gonna ask you some questions about this quote-unquote strong, strong woman who raised you, but I want to start off first by talking about your awards. Tell us a little bit about the awards that you have achieved over the years.

SPEAKER_00 6:50

Oh, so the awards I achieved, and you know, if you look at I don't know anything about personality types and uh the Enneagram, I'm a type three achiever, and that's kind of what I do. And and we go off and we like to achieve stuff and compete and all that. But I I play college football. When I played college football, I won like defensive player of the year, that kind of stuff. Um when I was in corporate life, I won awards for uh developing business for sales, for uh for um basically getting big awards, big uh big contracts, won awards there. And then once I retired, I opened up a restaurant, Cans Harwood Barbecue. It's a family restaurant with my with my younger son, and uh we won uh awards with that restaurant. That was a whole different thing. It was being, you know, it was something we owned, and we won the Arizona Daily Star Readers Choice Award for Best Barbecue in Southern Arizona five years in a row. Uh and uh out of seven years that we we ran the restaurant, I decided to retire from the restaurant business after seven years. But after the first year, we won Runner Up. And then five the five years after that, we won Best Barbecue. And uh so I it was really rewarding. I guess the thing about the restaurant and the award is that how much the community really enjoyed and cared about what we were doing at that restaurant, and uh so it's uh we still run the we still have a food truck and run a catering business, but it's all uh, you know, it's it's the brand. We built the brand and people love the brand.

Doctrine Patriarchy And Validation

SPEAKER_02 8:54

Wow. Just thinking about that barbecue makes my mouth uh water. I feel like that uh uh character, uh I think it was a cat named Sylvester. And he kind of was, you know, he his mouth was always full of saliva when he was uh he was talking. So I know how I feel about barbecue or BBQ and love it. Can you give give us an overview of the doctrine and cultural programming? Those two things seem to go together in a way. So can you explain those two pieces and how they work together?

SPEAKER_00 9:45

Yeah, so the doctrine, the way and the way I define the doctrine is the uh the inherited beliefs that we pass down from generation to generation as to how we rear children. And there's certain aspects that we include in there. I mean, and it's the thing about the doctrine, it's based on and built on patriarchy. And the reason I and because it's based on patriarchy, that's why my focus has been on men, because they run the world. So if men are having issues, then the world is gonna have those same issues. And when you have uh these inherited beliefs that are passed down, uh like uh and they're built into everything like competition, dominance, emotional suppression for sure. Men disconnected from their feelings, scarcity is built in there, uh, polarity. Uh, and then the other thing is external validation. Everybody's always looking outside of themselves for to be validated. I mean, and that really causes a lot of harm if you need somebody to like, you know, pump you up all the time and before you can feel like you're really uh valuable, you know. And then the other thing is that it's hierarchy and oppression. And I mean, and when you look around the world, you see how all of these things are just how they're affecting our world today, especially today. And and and so my thing and the premise of the book is that these are learned. The way we learn to be the way we are today, it's all learned, and it's based on this doctrine that we use to teach our kids how to be, especially in the United States. I mean, I mean, I live in the US and the US has a different personality than a lot of other places. I mean, because here we it's all about chasing and achieving and acquiring and those things. So it's built in and you see it everywhere. I mean, other countries have different personalities, but since the dollar has so much influence on the world, it spills over on other countries and the world economy. So everybody's chasing.

Unlearning Starts In The Mirror

SPEAKER_03 12:27

I like your concept or your image of the doctrine, and so that means that if that doctrine, I'm not sure if it's intentional or it's it's just but to undo that it calls for unlearning. So we're where where do we start to unlearn or to teach a different doctrine? Talk to us about that.

SPEAKER_00 13:01

Yeah, so one thing is that, and the reason I wrote the book, and the reason I really dug into this is because of my sons, my nephews. And you know, my I had a family business. Now I'm there working with my sons and nephews, and I see them all the time because we're a close family, learning from my mom. Every Sunday we have people coming by for dinner, and we're a close family, but I see how they struggle in life, millennials and Gen Z. And I, you know, I see that the troubles that they have, and and it's all learned. A lot of people complain about, man, these young people, they don't know what's going on, they don't know what time it is. And I was and they say, didn't they see us? You know, I hear my friends coming, like, man, can you bleed these kids today? You know, didn't they see how we did it, how we worked? And and my answer to that is yes, they saw it and they don't want it, they don't want to work until they drop, they don't want to, you know, uh uh self-medicate all the time. They don't want to just, you know, they want their relationships to be good. So they don't want that, and that's all because of the how we just continue to pass this along. And so how do we stop it? One is kids are watching, or our children, whatever, they watch what we do. I mean, they don't care what you say. I mean, you can say it to you blue or brown or whatever you are in the in the face, you know. Uh, but they're watching what you do, and so you have to model the behavior that you want them to have. And the first thing is, and how do we do it is first it all starts like Michael Jackson says in his song, The Man in the Mirror, the Person in the Mirror, you have to start with yourself. And as you change you, as you realize why, uh, and I say change you because this whole thing about uh this midlife crisis, that's where around 40 years old, people get there and say, What have I been doing all this for? I checked all the boxes, I did everything I was supposed to do, and my life is in shambles. I mean, I'm not happy, my relationships are in the toilet, and all, you know, and so that's when they see it. And that's when I and so I don't want my nephews and sons and whatever to get to 40 before they figure out that they've been living somebody else's um somebody else's model of success. Somebody told them that this is the way you get there, this is the way you're happy. So that's and so the thing is that it starts with us. I mean, it starts regardless of where you are in age, where or or where your station is, it's it that's where it starts, inside out. And as you change, you everything changes around you.

The Mask Boys Learn To Wear

SPEAKER_02 16:25

You talked a little bit about looking in in the mirror, and I uh if I remember correctly, you also talked a little bit about armor and this whole thing about transformation. So in transforming, you I guess you put on this armor as you're transforming, or maybe after you've transformed, like you're putting on this armor to to survive and succeed. So what did your armor look like for you?

SPEAKER_00 17:08

Okay, so my armor for me is when I was a young kid, I was emotional, uh felt, you know, and I I was teased for that. I was teased for being for having emotions, for being a crybaby. They they used to, they used to like uh it's like this passive aggressive thing. Oh, he's tenderhearted, you know. And uh so what happens is I I'm in a urban community. I have six, I have five brothers, and then you know, all the all the men around you are always, you know, they're talking about being tough and being and and be uh a tough guy and don't cry and all these kinds of things. So what happens, what ends up happening is in order to survive, you have to put on a mask, you can't show tenderness. And and that happens to a lot of boys. They start out tender, babies start out tender, and then when you keep telling them that, oh, they they fall down and skin the knee, oh, you're not hurt, oh that doesn't hurt, oh uh you know, somebody hurts your feelings and say, What are you crying for? You know, you're boy, and so you you have to toughen up, and the only way to make it is to put the mask on, or else you're gonna be ridiculed and teased for the rest of your life. And so now you have a mask on, and so but that doesn't stop those feelings from coming up, but now you just can't express them. You have to keep them inside, you can't let anybody see them. So that's the mask that men wear through life. And you wonder why men don't go to the doctor, men don't do a lot of things because they're supposed to be okay. You can't like have a child disconnect from their feelings, and the only way they can survive is not show emotion, and then expect that child when they grow up to be a man, all of a sudden they're emotionally intelligent. So uh, so that's the mask I'm talking about. That's just one mask, but you you're wearing this mask, you get there, you can't really show your emotions, you have to be a tough guy, and then when you look around our world, all the images you see on television and the movies and everything else, everybody's a tough guy, you know. That's how you and so that's what you see, but that's not really you. And so whenever you get to that point where you're saying, Man, I don't you don't even know who you really are, and and and when you do look in the mirror, and if you're able to like pull that mask off and just be who you really are, it's really hard to even know what you feel. And I I would ask you, Elton, have you ever been a kid somebody or a woman has asked you, well, how do you feel? And then you just like sitting there puzzled, like I have been there, and I'm like, don't really know. Because when you don't exercise, you know, because because right now the only feeling men are sub are okay that that's that's okay for men to have is anger, and most of their feelings or frustrations all come all come out as anger, they can't really pinpoint what they're actually feeling, and that's because of they've been wearing the tough guy mask for so long that they don't have they're not connected to their feelings.

How Patriarchy Starts At Birth

SPEAKER_03 20:57

I like that, and we know that when we sit down and ponder as adults, as human beings, we know that it's a reality that we cannot learn. So you also said it's patriarchal. Where did it begin? Where did it begin? Well, where did it begin?

When Success Still Feels Empty

SPEAKER_00 21:21

It began the day that um well patriarchy has been around for thousands of years. I mean, and that's just the way that men are supposed to run things. That's built into our culture, society, all around the world. Built into religion built-in to religion built in religions, it's built into everything, especially religion. Especially religion. I mean, women go to church, but men run it. And and so women give the money, but the men run it. And so it's built in, you know, this whole hierarchy of oppression is patriarchy. And so that the patriarchy is in from the beginning. From the day that you the that they looked at the uh what is it the uh the sonogram and saw you know and saw hey it looks like that some boy and start buying the blue stuff and the bats and the this and start you know hey my little man you know I'm gonna have a little man you know it starts there and it and and then since it's so ingrained in our world the patriarchy is already there I mean you don't most people don't even a lot of people don't even know what patriarchy means but the concept is built into our world how can men distinguish between healthy ambition and performance based identity yeah because at an early age you know it's like you have these little kids and they're in the starting blocks like of a race and right there especially in this country it's all about achieving an external validation and it's you know you it they used to call it the American dream back in the day you know is and the American dream was about the car the house the spouse the this and that's all searching for something outside of you for happiness or joy I mean those words don't even come up when you're a little you know as you you're talking to your kids how or people are talking to their kids and how many times do happy joy and those things come up in a conversation or following your own dreams or knowing who you are none of that comes up the the model is is to achieve and you achieve by acquiring things and so that's it I mean so we we we we we launch our kids off into this achievement uh this this world of achievement this chase of achievement and how do you stop that the way you stop it is and how do you get off that train is to know that you're enough you don't have to get external validation to be enough you you you were born enough i mean and and when you look at like little kids uh from the time they go to school and they start you know grading them ranking them and you know oh my kid oh you got an A oh that's so nice or you got a B or whatever I mean so you start training kids that the better I perform the more praise and the more external validation that I am going to receive I mean so that's when I say these things are baked in when they're all over a society I mean we are uh we we were doing this and we don't even realize it we don't even realize that you're training your kids to seek external validation yeah that's so true that is so true that it's what is fed to us fed to them from the people around them that determine who they are if they're quote unquote successful or not right but also talk about and refer to a terminology called reframing masculinity what exactly does that mean what exactly does it mean to you and when did you realize that there's a need to do that well I realized it when I talked about my I don't know sometimes they call it the dark night of the soul or whatever but what I was I got to that point you know the midlife crisis the crisis that I had about 17 years into being at the in the corporate world and I looked around and had all the stuff you know we had the house we had the car we were going on the vacations or whatever but my son wasn't really happy with me my wife wasn't really happy with me I mean uh because I'm out and I'm you know I'm performing I'm like okay so they need to understand I'm out here working doing what I'm supposed to do to provide for this family and everybody needs to just get in line and understand that this is the way give me some respect here you know I'm out here working my butt off and they're enjoying the the the the benefits of me working my butt off not resting not being at home and then you know I am you sound like my daddy then I I took a hard look around and and I was like okay how could you know I'm saying why don't doesn't this feel like success why doesn't it feel like success and that's because I'm living somebody else's model and at that point is when I had to had to really change and I I did that by I got a life coach at that time and uh then she showed me or she that I didn't have to continue to perform and that was not the way and I did you know I I didn't have to seek internal validation and that's not what people wanted from me. That's not what the people I cared about wanted from me. What they wanted was presence and the thing is so this other model of masculinity is all built on chasing and external validation and all that kind of stuff. But the thing is I and being disconnected from your feelings but the thing is that a lot of men think being disconnected from your feelings is weakness. But the thing is if you in a new model of masculinity you can still create a safe space for yourself you know be a man protect and do those things but you can also create and and that's a safe physical space but to be a real and a man that's whole you can also create a safe space for um I mean to be whole not just a physical space but you can create a safe emotional space and that's what's missing. You got all these guys out here and say yeah I I need to protect my family I need to do this but the the thing but where you are failing your family is there is not a safe emotional space a space where you can be present with your family and your relationships that's what's missing and that's what the doctrine and that's what this current uh a model of masculinity doesn't allow you to do because it's you're always worried about how am I gonna look with the fellas?

SPEAKER_02 30:28

How is the world gonna look at me like you know if I uh show some emotion or if I show some feeling you know what I'm saying Elton yeah I I know ex exactly you know what you're saying I remember growing up and I remember one time uh this is my dad got me a bike for Christmas I was so happy because it was what I wanted and I ran over to them to him and I went to hug him he just pushed me away he was thinking I just wanted to hug him it wasn't like it was trying to pick pocket the man to I understand you know about this whole thing about emotions and they have to be you know be packaged and you know put away uh it's very disheartening for the individuals that have to live with this person with no feeling it's like it's like living with a dead fish you know and it's and what do you do with that I I I don't I really don't know.

Marine Corps Lessons And Hidden Costs

What 45 Countries Reveal

SPEAKER_00 31:33

So speaking of dead fish how did your experience in the marine corps and college shape your views on masculinity yeah so I went to the marine corps before I went to college uh because I never I didn't have the money to go to college and uh I certainly I I needed I needed something else before I went to college uh even though I wanted to go to college first but that just wasn't possible. But the Marine Corps what did the Marine Corps do for me? And uh coming out at 18 uh growing up you know at 18 years old I needed well I wasn't physically uh fit enough to go off and play college football which I really wanted to do that was one and so that was one thing that Marine Corps did is uh it taught me it the way to uh be physically fit and train my body and those things and so uh that was really a great thing uh you know going to the Marine Corps the other thing that it taught me was teamwork and discipline yeah I so I learned teamwork and discipline there uh and uh brotherhood you know how to care for your um you know your other comrades your uh you know your teammates uh the people that you would go into a foxhole with you know just to really uh especially in the Marine Corps I mean it's really a a brotherhood so I mean those are the things those are the good things that I learned in the Marine Corps and I I mean it totally reshaped my body going in there and I went to a place called Paris Island South South Carolina which is in the middle of the swamps and you know talking about heat sand fleas and all kinds of other stuff and whatever but uh in in boot camp that was 13 weeks of that uh but coming out of there um they were in there teaching us how to be a lean green fighting machine and so those were the uh I mean those were the good things that I learned in the Marine Corps but uh you know one of the the other things though um I mean there was another side of that and uh as far as the doctrine and those things go is that I found that misogyny uh was a was a big thing. I mean even the songs and stuff that we sang and the way uh we saw women and uh or they were portrayed there I mean just uh and it was again is it was built in our cadencies and the stuff we ran around saying and and that kind of stuff and then when you hear the stories from uh uh guys coming in from overseas or whatever that um and that was that was a big thing and the other thing is uh polarity the good guys the bad guys and I mean there you talk about it you know it's us against them and the them is whoever we point the spear at so that you know that thing you know and regardless of who they are and the names that you have for them and the whatever and uh you know the detox the derogatory names you have for them but the thing is that it and I don't want to go too long here but in the Marine Corps I was in the Marine Corps during Jimmy Carter's presidency and that's the only president I can think of that didn't take us to war and it was a peacetime and but the thing about it was right after Vietnam and so there were a lot of people coming back from Vietnam and so the other thing I saw was the trauma of war and they were they were alcoholics they were they had they were addicts they were had and and I would see I was seeing how that the military was not taking care of the the the the people that came back from with all this trauma from war so I witnessed that too so uh there was a lot of good things that came from the Marine Corps the other things they were education like you know it it it it made me realize that uh uh what was really going on and uh at the time when you were immersed in it though did you understand did you realize the significance of what was occurring one question and next you're talking about being involved with that during the Jimmy Carter era I understand to be Jimmy Carter and I suspect the world to be a man of peace like tenderhearted and kindness and those kinds of things so you had one layer of that at one point. Yeah and so you know the thing about it is at the time I'm just a kid right I don't understand it I didn't really understand it until later and I didn't appreciate it until later that you know to me uh man I I I mean and the thing about it is I look back at Jimmy Carter and he was not I mean we didn't embrace him like we should have I mean we embraced the warmongers and that but and and and people uh they man he there were no wars when he was president that he was he was doing peace we had Egypt Israel we had you know I mean he brought peace during his whole time and when I look back on it I'm very grateful that for that that I didn't have to go to war even though I was in the Marine Corps I didn't have to go because he didn't start any wars. And so I no I I couldn't appreciate it during the time I just saw it happening. I saw him like uh standing down he was like uh you know I I mean he was really the enemy of the this defense industrial complex that's one reason why they got him out the door because you know he was he he was reducing the defense budget he was reducing the number of people in the military all those things were happening on his watch which was really a good thing but there's so many people that like you know wars are financed and so you know we need something to boost the economy let's start a war anyway I I'm digressing but that was my that was my Marine Corps experience and and and and those were the lessons I learned later on to go back and appreciate and love Jimmy Carter well you know uh Jimmy Carter was a good man and yes there were no wars and maybe it was because he was sending them bushels of peanuts I don't know I I don't know he could have been I don't know either but whatever he was doing it's because he was kind and gentlehearted so he didn't drink the Kool-Aid so but that that was my Marine Corps experience and uh it caused me to go back and reflect on it years later and appreciate it more. You've traveled the world I mean you've really traveled I'm sure you must have gone through several suitcases by the time you finished visiting 45 plus countries give or take so what would be out of the 45 countries what was your how do I say this the common denominator for for men yeah out of the 45 countries that you've been in was there a common denominator with all of them that you could write in in a book your book I I'll tell you what that from 45 countries a lot of them uh you know some were vacation but many of those were for work and uh you know the thing about it is I used to work for a defense contractor and I traveled around meeting military people from all over the world um but also I would take the time to really explore the country and see what was really going on you know how the culture and and you know how everybody lived in the country you know the the haves and the have nots and what I came to realize is that that we are so much more alike than we are different. You know I I've been you know to Asia to Europe to Africa to the Middle East South America I've been to place Australia different I've been all over the world and seen people from all these and uh you know and the thing about it is people want basically the same thing they want to be able to they want to be able to take care of their family they're care about education they care about food water different I mean that's what they want um and I I realize that uh that men kind of like all over the world are are like uh you know especially in some of the uh industrialized countries that they're doing the same thing that they're chasing that they're seeking things outside of themselves uh external you know validation and that it's all the same that there's a doctrine that there's patriarchy and there's a doctrine and it's global that is what I realize and the other thing that I realized bigger is that this world is connected economically more than people think it is and that you know when I'm in these hotels and I look outside the window why do I see well if I'm in Kuala Lumpur or if I'm in uh Rio or Sao Paulo or I'm in Paris or I'm in uh uh I mean even countries like Egypt or uh Hong Kong or whatever why do you see the same company logos in all these places and some places that are not even supposed to really get along and so that kind of tells you that our global economy is tightly held and run by not a lot of people so what it tells you based on my understanding is that the bottom line

SPEAKER_03 44:00

Is the same. The rich gets rich and the poor remains where they are. But we speak of international, and we on speak of international, we seek to inspire, to educate, and to inform. And I have no doubt that your story and the way you're telling it, and the metaphor of the doctrine is profoundly important for us to think about. I don't know that we can undo it in our lifetime, but we need to understand it and to see if we can do just a little bit of shifting somehow, somewhere.

SPEAKER_00 44:54

Being well, yeah, so being well is something I called healed, whole, and prison. And the healed is that those are the that's the trauma and the wounds. Most of them go back to childhood. And we all have them, but I mean the f the prisons, especially in the United States, are full of people that had childhood wounds and trauma that went unaddressed. And they came out and and they ended up being uh in school, you know, they treated them as like, oh, they are a bad kid or this or whatever. But but and it's full of uh kids, people from foster care or whatever. I uh so I'm saying wounds, and we go through life with these childhood wounds, making decisions or whatever, and they never get addressed. And so one is healing those wounds, I mean, and those traumas. And that's that's the heal part. So uh that's the thing is like when we look at our dads, when we look at when I look at my stepfather and my biological father, I mean, and some of the stuff that they did or didn't do, I can I can't judge them because I don't know what traumas they went through. I don't know what their childhood looked like. I don't know if somebody abused them, if they beat them, if they whatever. I mean, so I can't be the judge. And so we have so many people going through this life with these wounds that are not healed. So the thing is, okay, so one is healed, that we've healed those wounds. We're not running around and and making decisions based on the traumas and stuff that we've had. The other thing is whole, where our mind, body, and spirit are all in alignment. The way we think and what we think, uh, the way we feel in our body, because these traumas and whatever, that that's where they rest in your body. That they don't go away. And and then in your spirit, where what you believe, and so all of that's in alignment. And then the other thing is present. The presence is how are you in your relationships? How do you how do you uh uh show up? How do you show up in a room? I mean, so and so that that that is the presence, and so um, you know, whole, healed, uh, and present. And and that's that's how I you know see it. That's what wellness means to me. Is if you can be that, you can have a life that's joyful, and your your relationships are gonna be great. And that's all I mean. I so a lot of people, guys are like, well, what's a woman looking for? She's looking for somebody he'll hold in present that could be present, but that's what a man is looking for, too. That's what you need. You don't want you know, trauma and heat and and wounds, you know, that's not gonna go well in a relationship and until you dress it. And so the thing about that is like one of the reasons that people have to self-medicate is because those wounds and those traumas that haven't been addressed, that haven't been taken care of. And there's a lot of places to to get that, to get that help. But the first thing you do is go back to the mirror, you see it, and you say, Okay, I need help, and you go and start trying to heal those traumas.

SPEAKER_02 49:03

There are so many people, and I hate using this word, but they're broken. Okay, and it's and through no through no fault of their own, it just happens that they're in a situation that maybe a little toxic, or maybe they didn't have enough money, and he got to live across the street from those who had, and he was on the side of the street that that uh accumulated to be the knots. How does that long-term separation that's created because it is like a chasm where you see even now, where we see a chasm of the ultra-rich, and then we have the rest, and how many of these men that we see currently in positions of power that are broken? And so the question is, how can someone I don't want to say the same thing you did, self-medicate, but how would they be able to know? Okay, you know what? Uh I've got a I've got a problem. I sat there and argued with my wife for 15 minutes about absolutely nothing. Absolutely nothing. What was wrong with me? So, how do how can men, you know, uh check themselves through life? Must they always have someone there to say, oh, you're done it again, or is there things that they can do? Oh, maybe buy your book.

SPEAKER_00 50:54

So uh it was a lot in that, what you just said. But the first thing is what we're talking about is learned. This whole thing about what success looks like is all learned. Somebody told you that success was somebody having a lot of money. And right now, when you look at the world, uh and and and you know, most of my world takes place in these borders, right? And so everybody wants to be a millionaire, or now they want to be a billionaire, and it's all over the place. I'm I I you know, I and I'm just surprised, and you know, competition and wanting to chase money and all that thing, it's everywhere. And so I'm saying it's all we're teaching it. We're I mean uh they're uh I mean it it's it's crazy when I look at even all the sports now. All the you can't watch sports without somebody talking about gambling, and and and all the network TV stations and all the sports teams or whatever, they're aligned with gambling companies now, you know, um but because everybody wants to be rich, everybody wants to take a chance, everybody, and so the thing is that it just goes back to this whole external validation thing. And uh these people that you talk about and you say are broken that have this learned behavior that have all this money but are not happy. I mean, I I you see them, they're not they're they're not happy because they're having troubles. I mean, I can name like the famous golfer that has all kinds of money, but you know, next thing you know, every time you look around, there's another problem. Where's the joy in that? Where's the joy? Where's where are the friends? Where's the family? I mean, where is that?

SPEAKER_02 52:55

So by the way, he's retired, by the way.

SPEAKER_01 53:00

Huh?

SPEAKER_02 53:00

I said, by the way, he retired from golf.

SPEAKER_00 53:03

Okay, but the thing is that uh, I mean, that's a good thing because you know, when your time is up, your time's up. But uh the thing is that what do you do about it? Uh, I mean, I I you you have to like I say check yourself because I mean that's the whole how many songs have been written about the Joneses and wanting something that somebody else has or whatever, and how many crimes have been committed about wanting something somebody else has? But is that what you need to be joy? Now, I can understand people that don't have enough to eat, and just you know, because we have all these people hoarding, we live in an abundant universe, but because of the hoarders, because of the you know, the people that then we have all these billionaires and everything now that are hoarding, then there's not enough. I you know, I I could go on and on. So, but the thing is, it it it all starts within you. Is that what's gonna make you happy? If I get more stuff, you know, if I get that band that he has across the street, is that when I'm gonna get there? When is enough enough? When is where where is satisfaction? Where is sufficiency? And um all I can say is that is it going back to discovering who you really are and what's really gonna make you happy and defining success on your own terms. Uh right now, I don't know, it may be too late for some people if you can't get over with like, I gotta have all this stuff, I gotta be a millionaire, I gotta be a billionaire or whatever. But our kids don't have to continue to be that. We don't have to keep teaching them to do it. But you know, if I'm 50, 60 years old and I'm still chasing this, like, you know, hoop dreams, or I'm still chasing billionaire dreams, or whatever, maybe it's too late for me to, you know, I I don't know. Uh it doesn't have to be, but that person that you described, it may be too late for them.

Why People Avoid Real Change

SPEAKER_03 55:35

Well, I mean, charging is ever too late for anybody, but yes, you say aloud and clear. So, what do we do with people who have been socialized according to this agefold centuries old doctrine? How do we help them? You talk about looking in the mirror, and that's one of my favorite songs, believe it or not. I used to use it when I was in the classroom to talk to my students about the importance of looking in the mirror. But you look in the mirror sometimes, and what you see looking back at you is cute, but that looking in the mirror needs to say to you there's some work that needs to be done. And how strong are people, how willing are they to say, I don't like what I see? So I need to do some changing, some transformation. I need to do what Kenneth Alexander did. How many people would you say are that insightful or that willing or that intentional to want to do something about what is human?

SPEAKER_00 57:00

Yeah, I it's not everybody, but the thing about it, you make a really good point. Nobody the only person that can help you change is you. I mean, the only way your environment changes is if you change. Because, you know, there's this thing about I mean, you know, I believe in the law of attraction, which uh is is uh um that you attract who you are, it's not what you believe, it's you attract who you are, and the only thing to change the environment around you is to change who you are. I mean, so when you look in the mirror, but could because a lot of people in this world know something's not right. I don't feel good, I'm not, but they don't do anything about it. I mean, it's not like they don't know, they know something's not right. And could it be they don't know what to do about it? I know a lot of men are trained not to do anything about it because you're just supposed to like grind it through. You you know, you're supposed to be okay. Guys are, yeah, and yeah, and you know, I I got some stuff, or yeah, yeah, my wife says that. She says I'm like this, I don't communicate or whatever, but she'll be all right. It'll be all right. You know, yeah, I I know my kids are not talking to me, but that's just the way it is. You know, I know, you know, I know I have high blood pressure, I know, you know, I'll have a heart murmur or whatever, but I'm getting old. That's just the way it is. I mean, so a lot of people know that they have problems, and you know, most problems manifest through illness, but they don't do anything about it. So the thing is that when you're in the mirror, you have to like want to do something or want to change. You know, you want to change, and so because man, look around, there's so many self-help books and people and therapists and all that kind of stuff. So there's help is there, it's like getting people to realize, and so one of the things I try to do with my book is to allow people or give them an opportunity to see how we got there, that you were trained to do this, that it was all training. And if you were trained, if you learned how to do it, you can unlearn it. And and I I'd show that these are the things that are that's being caused by what you learn. This is how it's affecting you and your relationships, but then I also offer tools to do it differently. Um and that I think that's the difference because when you look at you look on the internet and everywhere, everybody's talking about the problem, the problem, the problem, the problem. Nobody's offering solutions, and that's one of the things that those algorithms get people all spun up, but they never help them uh do it differently. And we don't but it starts with you in the daggone mirror and wanting to change.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:25

I had something to say about that mirror. Okay. Sometimes the changes, good or bad, can be so small. So even though you're looking in the mirror, you don't see it. Now, maybe other people see it, but of course, when we look at ourselves in the mirror, all of us, we all say, I'm looking so good. Oh my God. You know, I how am I gonna keep all of these people off me when I, you know, just go to the supermarket to buy something, you know, something to eat? It's these very subtle things that happen, and this is what happens to men over the years. These subtle changes happen, external, internal, that causes men to do stupid things like go out and kill 15 people with an AK 45, whatever the model of the gun. Thank you, Maureen. So it's uh a challenge, I think, to see a man, uh, to be a man, and then on top of it, the woman who has to be a woman. Now, I don't know how you're gonna define this woman because of the man that she's with is kind of crazed, all of these emotions that are pent up, and now you've got this woman, and all of a sudden, out of nowhere, the abuse starts happening. So, where did that abuse come from? Does it come from the man? Maybe, maybe his father abused his mother, and it kind of trickles down. So, yes, all of these things are learned, and I do think that the challenge is that they should be it, it's difficult for it to be unlearned. Um, miss Rita, do you have something that you want to add before we conclude this conversation?

SPEAKER_03 1:02:34

Yes, I have what I like to think of as my signature question. And my signature question, Mr. Alexander, puts you in a room with ten young men. What do you want to leave them with about life? About love, about emotions. I want three concrete things, elements, statements you want to leave these young men with, please.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:14

Yeah, so the first thing that I would uh uh say for men is that I would say to these 10 young men in this room is what I would like to see is define success for yourself. And uh before the world does it for you, you know, before somebody else tells you like this is the way to go or whatever. And because most of us start chasing uh a life that we never chose uh money, status, approval. Uh, and then one day we look up and realize um it doesn't really even look like my life. Uh so take the time to ask what actually matters uh to me and and build it from there. I mean, so that's like number one. Um second thing I would say to these kids is learn the language of your feelings, you know, uh because we still teach men to disconnect from their feelings. Um, and and the thing about it, not because it sounds good, but because the feelings are power. Uh if you can't name what what you feel, um you can't really understand. You can't really understand yourself. And if you can't understand yourself, you're gonna be reactionary, you're gonna react to stuff, uh instead of you know uh being able to lead, you know, and uh so most men weren't they were not taught to feel, uh, and it's not your fault, uh, but it it's not your fault that you're not taught to feel, but it is your responsibility that uh and and feelings are important. That's the gauge for uh it's like a car, you know, the gauges on a car. If the oil light comes on, you need to do something about it. So feelings are hard, the gauges for a human being, and so it's your learn to feel, you know, learn that language. And the other thing is stop performing and start being the real person. That's the other one. Um, you don't have to prove your worth every day, you don't have to seek validation outside of yourself. The thing is, you're already enough. You were born enough. Yeah, I don't care what they said about. what grade you got when you're in kindergarten or whatever, whatever. You're already born enough. And the the strongest person in the room, the strongest man in the woo room is the one who's really comfortable with who they are. Not what somebody else says they are. And that's the person that's not trying to impress but just being authentically them. And and those, if you could do those things, you're going to have a life that you uh can actually feel one that feels good to you. And you're going to have great relationships you're going to have. I mean those things right there.

Closing Thoughts On Joy

SPEAKER_02 1:06:52

And so closer room with 10 boys or 10 guys or whatever, that's what I would tell that is invaluable advice for everybody, male, female, it really doesn't matter because when you boil it down emotions are emotions and maybe they're charged differently or maybe you know you know they're just you know they're different if they come from a man versus a woman but you know the emotions are basically the the same and we just have to remember to value them and not devalue anyone because of whatever it is that they're feeling or what they claim not to feel which is um uh interesting. Uh Rita, I'm we uh we are way over uh so uh I I know we the conversation this is this is something that happens to us Rita and I all the time we get into it and then all of a sudden you look up and it's like wow you mean it's over I was just getting ready I had just got you know have my got my hat set have my feet up now I'm ready now to go and you're telling me no stop but uh uh yes this this we promised you that it would be over long ago but we really got caught up in in this and I'm sure our audience will appreciate the additional information that came out of this conversation and so before I go I don't want to make sure I want to make sure I forget I don't want to forget Rita do you have anything else that you want to want to ask outside of a question no I don't have any questions I just want to say the things that float our conversation floated we went over time because we were not performing because we were being our authentic organic selves and we were enjoying it so much because there's room in life for black joy I believe for joy for everybody.

SPEAKER_03 1:09:13

And I think for me it was a joyful experience and I thank you and I thank you Nathan and I will always remember the doctrine